Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
