i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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