How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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