i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
