This dress was meant to end up on your floor
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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