Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
