My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
