I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
