textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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