remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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