Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
