someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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