the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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