i already hear my dad disowning me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm like, not good at living.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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