i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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