She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
