Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
