my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
