Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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