Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She swung at the pinata with crutches
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
