Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
