Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
