Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize