I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
And then he peed in my hair
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