woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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