I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
