the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
