I feel great
I just peed on a car
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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