you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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