Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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