How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
