Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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