I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
