Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
