I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
