My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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