WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
