Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
