im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
