Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
