My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize