are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize