i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
