His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
