I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
