Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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