nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
