oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
