Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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