She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
