glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Barsexuality is the new black.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize