So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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