he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
