God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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