i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
