i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
